LANSING, MI. - In a bizarre medical rarity, a Catholic priest woke up Sunday with his head covered in a yeast infection. Usually known to afflict the, ahem; private parts of some women, the itching and burning infection caused a serious discharge to spew from the mouth of Father William R. (Bill) Luggar.
"Father" William R. Lugger, is the Pastor of St. Casimir's, an allegedly Catholic Church in Lansing, Michigan.
In an exclusive interview with Vox Cantoris, Father Lugger said, "I don't know what happened; Sister Donna Quinn of Nuns for Choice, sent me a new biretta and I wanted to wear it at Mass; I thought it was a little queer, but figured that Pope Francis changed the style or something, and when I put it on, my head began to itch and burn."
When told that the hat was a "p***y-hat" Father asked, "Why would anyone wear a cat hat on their head?"
Following an examination earlier today, it was determined that the cause of Father's affliction was a profound lack of supernatural faith associated with the "synthesis of all heresies," known as Modernism, combined with a serious case of Personalism due to an acute propensity for liturgical abuse, moral relativism and a "hermeneutic of discontinuity and rupture."
Further investigation revealed that the condition also affect the part of the brain associated with obedience, tradition and the culture of all things Catholic. It causes one to dispel the notion of penance resulting in eating fried bologna sandwiches on Fridays.
Of course, given the Inauguration of Donald John Trump as the 45th President of the United States, Vox is certain that Father Lugger confused himself and that while a great day, it was not a Solemnity, thus the Friday fast was not excused.
Father Lugger's many defenders on Facebook are most welcome to comment.
Fr. Bill Lugger – firstname.lastname@example.org