The Lamentations of the Traddies

Courtesy of Paramedic Golden Girl at Salve Regina and originating from the archives of The Cassock and the Cotta, here is a Reading from the Lamentations of the Traddies:

In illo tempore, the Three Roman Traddies came unto a parish church, and began to offer worship to the Most High. And behold, several instrumentalists brought in drums, electric guitars and stereo speakers of wood, two cubits in length, and a cubit in breadth, and a cubit and half in height.

And one of the Three, who was called Norman, spoke to the two, saying: "Speak to the instrumentalists of the parish, that every man that offereth of his own accord, they shall take with them no extra microphone, for it is an abomination unto Us Traddies."

And another Traddie, who was called Michael, spoke thus: "Of the drums that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but not when We offer sacrifice. Of the jazz guitars that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but not when We offer sacrifice. Of the praise-and-worship activities that are unacceptable in Our sight, they may play, but absolutely not when We offer sacrifice.

"Of the microphones attached to stereo speakers, yea even those that are as large as Our oxen, they may use, but not when We offer sacrifice, neither may they carry them into the sanctuary therein. And behold, even as I have said, it has come to pass."

Thus spake the third Traddie, who was called Kenny: "For We judge what is proper and what is improper to the liturgy, saying first that chant is most suitable, then they shall have their silly songs. But of the silly songs, the laws are these: that they may not play them ad nauseam, neither may they rehearse before the liturgy and distract everyone from prayer. And if they deceive by playing the instruments softly, they shall not have their silly songs."

"Hold not your hands in the air, for it is as if you are suffering rheumatism. Only hold thyself still, still I say. For no person doubts that you are able to lift your hands in the air. Lo, how iniqitous this sight is in Our sight."

"Strike ye yourselves at the breast during the Confiteor, for there is no law against this. Kneel ye at the Creed. Verily, I say to thee, kneel ye at the Creed."

And behold, the instrumentalists began speaking among themselves, saying: "These men must be of a different liturgy."

And the Three knew what they were saying among themselves, whereupon the Three said unto them, "Amen, Amen We tell you most solemnly, there was no guitar in the liturgy before 1962. Leave the sacred liturgy alone, for what has the Church done to thee, that thou must afflict it thus with thy drums and guitars, raping Our ears?"

And behold, those who tried to introduce drums and guitars were thrown to the desert, where there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth.